Food, be thy medicine

As early in my "cleanse" as I am, I'm already starting to feel much better. At this point I'm pretty sure it's just in my head but even so. My depressive nature tends to get me down about most things and with this it has limited power. Because yes, my depression is telling me I should stress binge and that even though I'm not craving alcohol, a glass of wine is always a good idea, but this is something I'm doing for me. To take care of myself and lessen those unrelenting attacks that give my depression strength. Having a slight understanding of how different foods are more beneficial for my depression and anxiety has helped but now the trick is to get a bit more creative with my diet so I'm not bored back into old thought patterns regarding my health. And to not starve myself. Eating healthy does not have to mean being hungry. So many people (including myself in the past) think just that and it scares them from exploring a new diet when this is far from being true. You can eat more by eating healthy (and guilt free too!). I happen to like eating and am not going to give up food. I am simply going to make better choices..for the most part ;)

Look what the cat dragged in..

It's been about 2 months since my last post and up until now I have had nothing at all to write about. Any spark of inspiration seemed to drown either in alcohol or my nagging depression. I'm not an alcoholic but I have been stuck in a rut.

I have, however started to feel a tingling sense of motivation and so I've decided to do a cleanse of sorts. Nothing intense, just no alcohol, no junk food, and no feeding myself silly. Alcohol hasn't been my only vice. This "cleanse" will only be a couple weeks but it will give me a chance to sneak a glimpse of a healthier me and will hopefully push me into a better lifestyle. I'm never going to be perfect but just trying to better myself in this small way is no small undertaking for me and I'm strangely proud of myself for it.

I've traded my beer for chia seed beverages and coconut water.

Whatever you do, do not panic.

I was absolutely fine. In no way was I in danger..of any kind. But I thought to myself "Now would be a horrible time for a panic attack" and guess what happened. "Fuck." I thought. This traffic is not moving. It hasn't moved in like half an hour and it's not going anywhere anytime soon. This single lane is a hazard. Someone could be dying in this traffic! Do you people not know how dangerous this is?!" Then I looked at the time and exactly 3 minutes had gone by. Oh no, there was no danger but my mind has a habit of turning on itself and there is my problem. It took all of 3 minutes to decide that someone (if not me) was going to die in that single lane and the construction workers were evil.

Distractions couldn't have made me happier. I was switching between taking pictures with my iphone, watching music videos and picking the hell out of my fingers, meanwhile humming and looking nervously from side to side. Really should not have had that espresso. It took about half an hour to get from one end of the block to the other and when I did, I screeched down the street at such a speed, even though I was calm just to be out of there.

Driving down that same road today, I saw a sign stating that there will be more construction this month and we will only have the one lane once again. Damn. Well i'm not giving up the espresso, so I better have my iphone fully charged.

Lovin lists, lovin you.

I haven't recommended this woman's blog on here yet and i'm really surprised. She is the reason I have decided to start blogging myself and is an inspiration in many other ways.

http://www.schmutzie.com/

For one, she has started "Grace in small things" and making such lists has put into perspective all the small moments that make my life up that I overlook. All the things I really am grateful for, but am guilty of forgetting  in times of depression or just plain grumpy moods! I haven't written one in about a month and have decided to start back up publicly.


1. The feeling of "missing". I really don't like it, but experiencing it in the first place means I have someone important in my life that has made me feel.

2. Curried anything.

3. Crying so hard you start laughing.

4. Rainy soup days.

5. The feeling of familiarity among my chaotic twenty-something life.

Introversion vs. depression

As summer begins I really start to notice how introverted I am. Or how depressed. I can't tell sometimes. I know it's best for my depression to not stay cooped up in my house alone too much but my introversion tells me time alone is great. So it's hard to tell if I don't feel like being around people because I feel awkwardly depressed and I forget how to be social or I feel introverted and ..forget how to be social. Usually being social feels alien to me anyway.

The sun lifts my spirits but it also makes me very critical of my depressive nature. It nudges me and casually asks "If you like the sun so much, why aren't you happier? Shouldn't you be out with groups of friends, you know..enjoying the summer by doing summer things?" I shrug and slither away from most opportunities that arise in the summer just because of my confusion. I don't know what I should be doing so I choose to do nothing.

Doing nothing isn't always fun either. In fact I've gotten quite bored of doing nothing these last few years. I don't seem to be able to stick to precise plans and I get thrown off when something is last minute. Being thrown off isn't necessarily a bad thing though,  I've come to realize. It gives my brain less of a chance to over think things. So if I have to choose between the lesser of the evils this summer, I really hope I can choose the latter.

'Cause f*ck it life, itself is unpredictable. Your emotions just the same. My emotions confuse the sh*t out of me most of the time anyways.

When you are your own antagonist

That evil villain, the annoying obstacle in that book or movie that you boo. The savior, the protagonist, the "good" guy. It's funny having the choice to be either one of those guys, the "good" or "bad" and choosing to be your own enemy. The opposing force that just won't let your story go the way you would like it to. Self sabotage is what it is.
I've never liked drama, despite my story so far but in me I have the potential to be the protagonist and the antagonist and I have always opted to be both. I don't really want to be, it just seems to happen. Then the whole self fulfilling prophecy thing happens and the good in me is destroyed by the bad, just temporarily but long enough to be left weakened and dizzy from the climactic scene in my story.
This is all well and good in movies or stories but when your life is a struggle between the two it is all too real. There are no rewind buttons and we don't have the luxury to pause and contemplate for as long as we want sometimes. Life can move pretty fast.
What we can do is realize that, yes, we have the potential to be our own worst enemy but we also have the potential to be our own hero. Our story isn't over and our hero is not dead.

I'm just going to leave this here

This is what depression feels like. This girl nailed it. I have been feeling this to the extreme the last few days so unsurprisingly I can't seem to gather my thoughts enough to write a blog entry of my own. I have, however, felt a sense of comfort and understanding from this blog and I hope that I can pass this along.

Thank you for your blog!

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.ca/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

If it ain't broke

Self improvement is something many of us strive for. But I think we all feel too much pressure to "perfect" ourselves. No one is perfect but we are sold images of these perfect people with perfect lives and we look at ourselves and think something must be missing. It makes us doubt our ability to be human. I've actually caught myself worrying about just being human and I had to give my head a shake because it turns out I already am human and have been since I was first born so I must be pretty damn good at it because i'm still alive!

As broken as we may feel sometimes, we are still alive. It's not over and you are not as fragile as you may feel. You are strong. Keep striving but remain you at the core. What you're doing, who you are, is enough. You've managed this far so as the old saying goes.."If it ain't broke!"

Oh sadness,you can be such a downer

Sadness can make people uncomfortable. When others are sad we may feel helpless and guilt ridden over being unable to lift their spirits. When we are sad we may distract ourselves to the best of our ability. But it's only natural to feel sad once in a while. And giving in and really feeling that sadness can be a weight off of our shoulders. Running away from it is always detrimental to my emotional well being as I end up numbing myself completely then feeling an overall sense of subtle heaviness.

So often we feel the need to put on a happy face. I know myself, up until recently when asked how I was,  would always use the default reply "Good. You?" Then one day when asked how I was by an acquaintance, I caught myself and said "Actually..I'm not good." I didn't dump all of my problems on them but I didn't have to lie and put on a fake smile. They took me by surprise when they looked me in the eye and said "Thank you for your honesty."  I immediately felt a stronger connection to them and that inspired me to start being more honest about my feelings not only to others but to myself as well. Of course it is a work in progress but i'm getting better.

Life can be difficult and no one has it completely together. So it's nice to share in each other's misery once in a while because you know what .. we ALL feel down from time to time. It won't last forever. So let's really feel it and not be afraid. We can then let go and begin to heal.

English as a second language

As much as I enjoy writing, I have no delusions about my writing skills. I don't mean that in a bad way, I've just always had difficulty communicating what I'm feeling through words.

Take the word: love. I know what it means to me. But say I say "I love you." You take those words and use your own experiences and define the word yourself. Though the foundation of the word may be the same, it may mean something completely different to you. The word "love" is maybe one of the tougher words to define but in our everyday lives we encounter people using their own experiences and basically their own language to get across how they're feeling.

So often I'll feel as though English is my second language. I count on body language and affection to carry me through social situations in which I feel like a complete alien. Even those fail me sometimes and I end up "glaring" at someone when really I'm just zoning out or I want to give them a hug.

Being a human can be tricky. I'm trying to bring a little more simplicity to my life by just being but it's hard. Too often I'll feel as though i'm not eloquent enough or I've somehow forgotten how to be a human but the thing is everything we do and everything we say is just that: human. We already know how to be human, in all our imperfect glory, as misunderstood and alien as we may feel, we must remember that if we are all alone  in our experiences then we all share that, and we are never really alone.

Espresso and kittens

It's been a couple years since I had to put my dog down and the house has felt so empty since. Not only do pets provide companionship but they are something to take care of, to put your love and affection into. Something that most of us also need. It makes us feel useful in a very fulfilling way. Even if it's not a pet, even if it's a plant, it's something to nurture, which is especially healing when we are having difficulty nurturing ourselves.
Kids..kids also do that but probably best to start small..a goldfish, perhaps.

I'll take a little bit of hypocrisy with my wine, thank you.

Last night was not fun. My last post seemed as though it belonged to a different person. I won't go into painful detail but let me tell you: It was dark. A little bit of personal history:

I've been dealing with depression and anxiety for years. Since I can remember. Being wrapped up in thoughts of mortality while playing on the monkey bars at recess never did seem quite "normal". And my thoughts only got darker and consuming as I got older. Instead of only thinking about these things, I started feeling this sense of impending doom. All the time. Recently it's really gotten to me and I've found myself exhausted and afraid. It's been so bad, I haven't been able to work steadily for over a year. I've had to take numerous breaks at the few jobs that I've had and am currently on a break from a job I have only recently started.

I am so lucky to have such great people in my life that have saved me from crumbling completely when that's all I've wanted to do. Everyone from my boss and co workers, who have never ending patience with my inability to work, to my parents who have supported me, to my friends who have heard me ramble on about my problems over and over and my boyfriend who does everything in his power to reassure me. They've all been amazing.

If it weren't for these guys, last night would've been even harder. Opening up in times of darkness and uncertainty is important. Hiding away gives our insecurities strength when in reality, there is nothing to be ashamed of. Thank you all for reminding me of this.

We are all human and imperfect and life is crazy and scary and beautiful. So share the madness with others! ;)

But it's better if you do

     With so much time spent contemplating the decision to venture into the night, I had forgotten what it was, I was actually going to DO. This happens to me a lot. Sometimes I catch myself thinking that I actually did do or say something when in reality I had merely thought about it. I've been so wrapped up in the result of my decisions, thinking that I can actually predict the future, that I've actually forgotten to participate in the present.
     So my first post is a short one because I'm going to do just that. Participate in the present.