As summer begins I really start to notice how introverted I am. Or how depressed. I can't tell sometimes. I know it's best for my depression to not stay cooped up in my house alone too much but my introversion tells me time alone is great. So it's hard to tell if I don't feel like being around people because I feel awkwardly depressed and I forget how to be social or I feel introverted and ..forget how to be social. Usually being social feels alien to me anyway.
The sun lifts my spirits but it also makes me very critical of my depressive nature. It nudges me and casually asks "If you like the sun so much, why aren't you happier? Shouldn't you be out with groups of friends, you know..enjoying the summer by doing summer things?" I shrug and slither away from most opportunities that arise in the summer just because of my confusion. I don't know what I should be doing so I choose to do nothing.
Doing nothing isn't always fun either. In fact I've gotten quite bored of doing nothing these last few years. I don't seem to be able to stick to precise plans and I get thrown off when something is last minute. Being thrown off isn't necessarily a bad thing though, I've come to realize. It gives my brain less of a chance to over think things. So if I have to choose between the lesser of the evils this summer, I really hope I can choose the latter.
'Cause f*ck it life, itself is unpredictable. Your emotions just the same. My emotions confuse the sh*t out of me most of the time anyways.
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