Last night was not fun. My last post seemed as though it belonged to a different person. I won't go into painful detail but let me tell you: It was dark. A little bit of personal history:
I've been dealing with depression and anxiety for years. Since I can remember. Being wrapped up in thoughts of mortality while playing on the monkey bars at recess never did seem quite "normal". And my thoughts only got darker and consuming as I got older. Instead of only thinking about these things, I started feeling this sense of impending doom. All the time. Recently it's really gotten to me and I've found myself exhausted and afraid. It's been so bad, I haven't been able to work steadily for over a year. I've had to take numerous breaks at the few jobs that I've had and am currently on a break from a job I have only recently started.
I am so lucky to have such great people in my life that have saved me from crumbling completely when that's all I've wanted to do. Everyone from my boss and co workers, who have never ending patience with my inability to work, to my parents who have supported me, to my friends who have heard me ramble on about my problems over and over and my boyfriend who does everything in his power to reassure me. They've all been amazing.
If it weren't for these guys, last night would've been even harder. Opening up in times of darkness and uncertainty is important. Hiding away gives our insecurities strength when in reality, there is nothing to be ashamed of. Thank you all for reminding me of this.
We are all human and imperfect and life is crazy and scary and beautiful. So share the madness with others! ;)
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