English as a second language

As much as I enjoy writing, I have no delusions about my writing skills. I don't mean that in a bad way, I've just always had difficulty communicating what I'm feeling through words.

Take the word: love. I know what it means to me. But say I say "I love you." You take those words and use your own experiences and define the word yourself. Though the foundation of the word may be the same, it may mean something completely different to you. The word "love" is maybe one of the tougher words to define but in our everyday lives we encounter people using their own experiences and basically their own language to get across how they're feeling.

So often I'll feel as though English is my second language. I count on body language and affection to carry me through social situations in which I feel like a complete alien. Even those fail me sometimes and I end up "glaring" at someone when really I'm just zoning out or I want to give them a hug.

Being a human can be tricky. I'm trying to bring a little more simplicity to my life by just being but it's hard. Too often I'll feel as though i'm not eloquent enough or I've somehow forgotten how to be a human but the thing is everything we do and everything we say is just that: human. We already know how to be human, in all our imperfect glory, as misunderstood and alien as we may feel, we must remember that if we are all alone  in our experiences then we all share that, and we are never really alone.

Espresso and kittens

It's been a couple years since I had to put my dog down and the house has felt so empty since. Not only do pets provide companionship but they are something to take care of, to put your love and affection into. Something that most of us also need. It makes us feel useful in a very fulfilling way. Even if it's not a pet, even if it's a plant, it's something to nurture, which is especially healing when we are having difficulty nurturing ourselves.
Kids..kids also do that but probably best to start small..a goldfish, perhaps.

I'll take a little bit of hypocrisy with my wine, thank you.

Last night was not fun. My last post seemed as though it belonged to a different person. I won't go into painful detail but let me tell you: It was dark. A little bit of personal history:

I've been dealing with depression and anxiety for years. Since I can remember. Being wrapped up in thoughts of mortality while playing on the monkey bars at recess never did seem quite "normal". And my thoughts only got darker and consuming as I got older. Instead of only thinking about these things, I started feeling this sense of impending doom. All the time. Recently it's really gotten to me and I've found myself exhausted and afraid. It's been so bad, I haven't been able to work steadily for over a year. I've had to take numerous breaks at the few jobs that I've had and am currently on a break from a job I have only recently started.

I am so lucky to have such great people in my life that have saved me from crumbling completely when that's all I've wanted to do. Everyone from my boss and co workers, who have never ending patience with my inability to work, to my parents who have supported me, to my friends who have heard me ramble on about my problems over and over and my boyfriend who does everything in his power to reassure me. They've all been amazing.

If it weren't for these guys, last night would've been even harder. Opening up in times of darkness and uncertainty is important. Hiding away gives our insecurities strength when in reality, there is nothing to be ashamed of. Thank you all for reminding me of this.

We are all human and imperfect and life is crazy and scary and beautiful. So share the madness with others! ;)

But it's better if you do

     With so much time spent contemplating the decision to venture into the night, I had forgotten what it was, I was actually going to DO. This happens to me a lot. Sometimes I catch myself thinking that I actually did do or say something when in reality I had merely thought about it. I've been so wrapped up in the result of my decisions, thinking that I can actually predict the future, that I've actually forgotten to participate in the present.
     So my first post is a short one because I'm going to do just that. Participate in the present.