Food, be thy medicine

As early in my "cleanse" as I am, I'm already starting to feel much better. At this point I'm pretty sure it's just in my head but even so. My depressive nature tends to get me down about most things and with this it has limited power. Because yes, my depression is telling me I should stress binge and that even though I'm not craving alcohol, a glass of wine is always a good idea, but this is something I'm doing for me. To take care of myself and lessen those unrelenting attacks that give my depression strength. Having a slight understanding of how different foods are more beneficial for my depression and anxiety has helped but now the trick is to get a bit more creative with my diet so I'm not bored back into old thought patterns regarding my health. And to not starve myself. Eating healthy does not have to mean being hungry. So many people (including myself in the past) think just that and it scares them from exploring a new diet when this is far from being true. You can eat more by eating healthy (and guilt free too!). I happen to like eating and am not going to give up food. I am simply going to make better choices..for the most part ;)

Look what the cat dragged in..

It's been about 2 months since my last post and up until now I have had nothing at all to write about. Any spark of inspiration seemed to drown either in alcohol or my nagging depression. I'm not an alcoholic but I have been stuck in a rut.

I have, however started to feel a tingling sense of motivation and so I've decided to do a cleanse of sorts. Nothing intense, just no alcohol, no junk food, and no feeding myself silly. Alcohol hasn't been my only vice. This "cleanse" will only be a couple weeks but it will give me a chance to sneak a glimpse of a healthier me and will hopefully push me into a better lifestyle. I'm never going to be perfect but just trying to better myself in this small way is no small undertaking for me and I'm strangely proud of myself for it.

I've traded my beer for chia seed beverages and coconut water.

Whatever you do, do not panic.

I was absolutely fine. In no way was I in danger..of any kind. But I thought to myself "Now would be a horrible time for a panic attack" and guess what happened. "Fuck." I thought. This traffic is not moving. It hasn't moved in like half an hour and it's not going anywhere anytime soon. This single lane is a hazard. Someone could be dying in this traffic! Do you people not know how dangerous this is?!" Then I looked at the time and exactly 3 minutes had gone by. Oh no, there was no danger but my mind has a habit of turning on itself and there is my problem. It took all of 3 minutes to decide that someone (if not me) was going to die in that single lane and the construction workers were evil.

Distractions couldn't have made me happier. I was switching between taking pictures with my iphone, watching music videos and picking the hell out of my fingers, meanwhile humming and looking nervously from side to side. Really should not have had that espresso. It took about half an hour to get from one end of the block to the other and when I did, I screeched down the street at such a speed, even though I was calm just to be out of there.

Driving down that same road today, I saw a sign stating that there will be more construction this month and we will only have the one lane once again. Damn. Well i'm not giving up the espresso, so I better have my iphone fully charged.

Lovin lists, lovin you.

I haven't recommended this woman's blog on here yet and i'm really surprised. She is the reason I have decided to start blogging myself and is an inspiration in many other ways.

http://www.schmutzie.com/

For one, she has started "Grace in small things" and making such lists has put into perspective all the small moments that make my life up that I overlook. All the things I really am grateful for, but am guilty of forgetting  in times of depression or just plain grumpy moods! I haven't written one in about a month and have decided to start back up publicly.


1. The feeling of "missing". I really don't like it, but experiencing it in the first place means I have someone important in my life that has made me feel.

2. Curried anything.

3. Crying so hard you start laughing.

4. Rainy soup days.

5. The feeling of familiarity among my chaotic twenty-something life.

Introversion vs. depression

As summer begins I really start to notice how introverted I am. Or how depressed. I can't tell sometimes. I know it's best for my depression to not stay cooped up in my house alone too much but my introversion tells me time alone is great. So it's hard to tell if I don't feel like being around people because I feel awkwardly depressed and I forget how to be social or I feel introverted and ..forget how to be social. Usually being social feels alien to me anyway.

The sun lifts my spirits but it also makes me very critical of my depressive nature. It nudges me and casually asks "If you like the sun so much, why aren't you happier? Shouldn't you be out with groups of friends, you know..enjoying the summer by doing summer things?" I shrug and slither away from most opportunities that arise in the summer just because of my confusion. I don't know what I should be doing so I choose to do nothing.

Doing nothing isn't always fun either. In fact I've gotten quite bored of doing nothing these last few years. I don't seem to be able to stick to precise plans and I get thrown off when something is last minute. Being thrown off isn't necessarily a bad thing though,  I've come to realize. It gives my brain less of a chance to over think things. So if I have to choose between the lesser of the evils this summer, I really hope I can choose the latter.

'Cause f*ck it life, itself is unpredictable. Your emotions just the same. My emotions confuse the sh*t out of me most of the time anyways.

When you are your own antagonist

That evil villain, the annoying obstacle in that book or movie that you boo. The savior, the protagonist, the "good" guy. It's funny having the choice to be either one of those guys, the "good" or "bad" and choosing to be your own enemy. The opposing force that just won't let your story go the way you would like it to. Self sabotage is what it is.
I've never liked drama, despite my story so far but in me I have the potential to be the protagonist and the antagonist and I have always opted to be both. I don't really want to be, it just seems to happen. Then the whole self fulfilling prophecy thing happens and the good in me is destroyed by the bad, just temporarily but long enough to be left weakened and dizzy from the climactic scene in my story.
This is all well and good in movies or stories but when your life is a struggle between the two it is all too real. There are no rewind buttons and we don't have the luxury to pause and contemplate for as long as we want sometimes. Life can move pretty fast.
What we can do is realize that, yes, we have the potential to be our own worst enemy but we also have the potential to be our own hero. Our story isn't over and our hero is not dead.

I'm just going to leave this here

This is what depression feels like. This girl nailed it. I have been feeling this to the extreme the last few days so unsurprisingly I can't seem to gather my thoughts enough to write a blog entry of my own. I have, however, felt a sense of comfort and understanding from this blog and I hope that I can pass this along.

Thank you for your blog!

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.ca/2013/05/depression-part-two.html